These last couple of weeks here in Missoula have been filled with extremes; things in my life have swung a wide pendulum around simplicity and fortitude, landing instead upon loneliness and rage.
For example, I was driven to frustration over the fire-and-brimstone preachers who seem to populate the Free Speech Square on campus 24/7, while I am filled with elation over the fact that my housemates have been asking me about my faith and forcing the tough issues. This is the type of friendship I desire: A friendship where we drive each other to find out the truth and aren't afraid to ask difficult questions. Another example would be the despair I find myself in while dealing with the highly disorganized administration at this school while I find joy in the fact that I am able to work around them and complete paperwork they never told me about faster than they imagined I could. Even simple things such as sadness over a performance I thought could have been better given versus a voice lesson where I take huge leaps forward in my technique.
Like I said, these last couple of weeks have been filled with extremes. Something that has been on my mind lately has been my relationship with God and how it hasn't been what it could be simply because I choose to allow myself to feel tired and run-down instead of choosing to spend time in the Word and with Him. I had the chance to visit with a friend from camp this summer (Worldview Academy...it's truly the best week -erm...eight weeks - of your life). He was traveling back from eastern Montana and had the opportunity to stop in Missoula for an hour and grab a cup o' Joe with me at Starbucks, the blessed priests of the coffee gods. While we were talking he kept asking me what God thought about my situation and what God thought about me and, while I can't fully speak to what God thinks, I can say in full confident that God is working through me in my life and He desires relationship with me. However, that relationship requires some work on my part.
Again, later that day, I spoke with another friend from Worldview Academy, this time over the phone as he lives in Minnesota. He kept asking me where I was with my relationship with God and reminding me of His great love for me. It was truly a breath of fresh air to be reminded of God and His promises. I read some Scripture later that night that spoke to the fact that God would turn the world upside-down if it meant one person would come to Him. That passion is just awe-inspiring to me.
But still I had the problem of quiet times and how non-habitual they are for me. Well, God answered that prayer for me when a friend in Egypt sent me a message over Facebook and asked if we could read the Psalms through together. We just read Psalm 2 today, and I'm looking forward to making it through the whole book; my first time reading the Psalms straight through.
Something that has been brought to my attention - I won't say that I've learned it, because that is a lifelong task - is how much God truly desires relationship with me. He is working through my life to bring me to Him and to work all things together for good. Not necessarily my good, that is an incorrect Gospel, but His good. The good of bringing the world to Him and showing His love on us so that His glory may be known.
May I also say that it is so easy to forget that you take joy in the things you do and have chosen to do because they've turned into monotonous drudgery? My life has taken that turn these past weeks, and I am so glad that the joy of music is continually pointed out to me in the little things of realizing placement of vowels in my voice, or how to focus my sound, or even using the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA) to my own selfish ends. There are so many interesting and awesome facts in life, if only we look for them.
Go out and do something to make the world more beautiful.
