Conflagrating Extremities

These last couple of weeks here in Missoula have been filled with extremes; things in my life have swung a wide pendulum around simplicity and fortitude, landing instead upon loneliness and rage.

For example, I was driven to frustration over the fire-and-brimstone preachers who seem to populate the Free Speech Square on campus 24/7, while I am filled with elation over the fact that my housemates have been asking me about my faith and forcing the tough issues. This is the type of friendship I desire: A friendship where we drive each other to find out the truth and aren't afraid to ask difficult questions. Another example would be the despair I find myself in while dealing with the highly disorganized administration at this school while I find joy in the fact that I am able to work around them and complete paperwork they never told me about faster than they imagined I could. Even simple things such as sadness over a performance I thought could have been better given versus a voice lesson where I take huge leaps forward in my technique.

Like I said, these last couple of weeks have been filled with extremes. Something that has been on my mind lately has been my relationship with God and how it hasn't been what it could be simply because I choose to allow myself to feel tired and run-down instead of choosing to spend time in the Word and with Him. I had the chance to visit with a friend from camp this summer (Worldview Academy...it's truly the best week -erm...eight weeks - of your life). He was traveling back from eastern Montana and had the opportunity to stop in Missoula for an hour and grab a cup o' Joe with me at Starbucks, the blessed priests of the coffee gods. While we were talking he kept asking me what God thought about my situation and what God thought about me and, while I can't fully speak to what God thinks, I can say in full confident that God is working through me in my life and He desires relationship with me. However, that relationship requires some work on my part.

Again, later that day, I spoke with another friend from Worldview Academy, this time over the phone as he lives in Minnesota. He kept asking me where I was with my relationship with God and reminding me of His great love for me. It was truly a breath of fresh air to be reminded of God and His promises. I read some Scripture later that night that spoke to the fact that God would turn the world upside-down if it meant one person would come to Him. That passion is just awe-inspiring to me.

But still I had the problem of quiet times and how non-habitual they are for me. Well, God answered that prayer for me when a friend in Egypt sent me a message over Facebook and asked if we could read the Psalms through together. We just read Psalm 2 today, and I'm looking forward to making it through the whole book; my first time reading the Psalms straight through.

Something that has been brought to my attention - I won't say that I've learned it, because that is a lifelong task - is how much God truly desires relationship with me. He is working through my life to bring me to Him and to work all things together for good. Not necessarily my good, that is an incorrect Gospel, but His good. The good of bringing the world to Him and showing His love on us so that His glory may be known.

May I also say that it is so easy to forget that you take joy in the things you do and have chosen to do because they've turned into monotonous drudgery? My life has taken that turn these past weeks, and I am so glad that the joy of music is continually pointed out to me in the little things of realizing placement of vowels in my voice, or how to focus my sound, or even using the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA) to my own selfish ends. There are so many interesting and awesome facts in life, if only we look for them.

Go out and do something to make the world more beautiful.

What's Well Begun

"Dimidium facti qui coepit habet."(What's well begun, is half done.)- Horace

There it went, folks. The first week of school is done. It has come to my attention that weeks never last as long as you would like nor pass as quickly as we would like. But my primary week of being a graduate teaching assistant is finished. What the heck just happened?

My class went through a syllabus, laid on the floor of the classroom just breathing - try it sometime, focusing on the breath - they even started conversing critically about vocalists and what they're hearing. I am proud of them and can't wait to see where they go once we start singing. Speaking of singing, my private students are the best ever. I gave out some amazing repertoire and they are all up for the challenge. I had one student come into lesson on Tuesday having never sung before. They were nervous and sheepish about their voice and I could barely hear them when they started. After some coaching, breath-control training, working out of the lower abs and yelling at imaginary younger siblings, her voice started ringing, was clearly audible, and a natural, pure vibrato started shining through. I love teaching.

Most of my classes have started now as well. I am taking one online class this semester, and it's definitely throwing me for a loop. I'd never even considered taking an online course, now I need one for my masters and I'm TAing for one. To figure. Such a different style of learning and it's gong to be hard to keep myself on task, but I can do it. Conducting is going to be fantastic - we're preparing scores and "conducting" Mozart's Coronation Mass and Faure's Requiem. Two gorgeous pieces. My technique has drifted downhill in terms of wrist movement and fluid elbows, but my professor will whip me into shape. Choir also started today. There are about thirty of us in the choir and we're singing some great literature. More on that later.

Be on the lookout on my blog for things written in the International Phonetic Alphabet as diction is going to be my favorite thing this semester. It's gonna rock. I just started knitting a scarf yesterday, perhaps too many cables, but it looks awesome. I am so ready for Autumn weather so I can wear all my sweaters and scarves. Best time of year, fall.

Go listen to some Nathan Gunn or Diana Damrau on YouTube and think of me while your IQ goes up. Stay awesome!

A Room With A View

“We cast a shadow on something wherever we stand, and it is no good moving from place to place to save things; because the shadow always follows. Choose a place where you won't do harm - yes, choose a place where you won't do very much harm, and stand in it for all you are worth, facing the sunshine.” - E.M. Forster, A Room with a View

The University Building with the Big "M" in the background.

As I contemplate the coming school year I am filled with dread. This is the same sort of dread I would assume all professors feel upon the embarking of a new school year. Will my students like me? Will I make a difference? Will I have the ability to teach? All these questions and more are running through my mind.

The last few days have been rather humdrum. I spent most of my time sitting in my room watching endless episodes of Supernatural, Desperate Housewives, and South Park, biding my television time until Doctor Who returns September 1st. Between these marathons of Netflix time I have gone on several walks. These have gotten me to the point of near-memorization of the University of Montana's campus and the area immediately surrounding my house. In fact, I found a small bookshop/cafe/local-food-market of which I looked forward to being a patron, but walked up right as it closed. This led to the discovery of a smoothie shop in the University Center that makes some of their smoothies with POG (passion orange guava juice...aka the best thing ever). This smoothie is what makes a beautiful Saturday such as today wonderful while wandering around by myself.

Me and the Grizzly that I have to pass
everyday on my way to work/school.

I sat through several hours of auditions yesterday for the voice studios and am now the proud teacher of six students, plus the sixteen in my singing for non-majors course. Lord, help them. I am all signed up for my classes, but for one which requires an override slip, but have yet to buy any of my books. We'll get those once the classes meet and I know what I truly need.

My anticipation is mounting and the bear in the loop is gleaming in the sun, shining out the energy that is starting to pervade the campus. I can but hope that my time here will prove useful both to me and my students, and that I emerge on the other end changed for the better with a degree that will serve me well throughout my years. Now, to soak up a little more of that sun and watch some more tv shows.

There's No Place Like...

As I look around my unpacked room and think about what's going on, I can't help but wonder how I got here. How did this become home? My voice teacher at Whitworth received an email from a voice teacher at UMT asking him to send over his best singer. I came, auditioned, found a place to live, then everything fast-forwarded to this current moment.

I am tired. This summer pushed me to my limits but God revived me. I was blessed with a vacation to the Oregon coast, my favorite place on the planet, and God lifted my spirits. I arrived in Missoula, Montana, yesterday and didN't know how to react or what to feel. This state of numbness is still pervading my mind. Perhaps it's the fact that I haven't gotten more than five hours of sleep each of the past few nights, but I pray that God pours into me afresh for this school year.

Today was spent running hither and yon making sure I had everything I needed, including groceries, as well as unpacking my bedroom, kitchen supplies, and office. After thirteen hours, I can honestly say that fatigue has won the day. But I'm where I'm supposed to be, isn't that what "home" is? I sure hope so because I have a whole lot of home coming at me for the next two years.

Let me tell you something. Supercenter Wal Marts are a strange, wonderful thing. I got everything I needed, but goodness, let it be known that was the only, I repeat only, time in my life when I will shop for groceries at a Wal Mart. I am going to make curried chicken salad sometime soon and was gathering the ingredients but couldn't find chutney. Forgetting that I was a) in Missoula, and b) in Wal Mart I went up to a shelf-stocker and asked where the chutney was. He gave me a look that rivaled that which clung to the faces of the deer in my front yard this morning. I remembered at once where I was and decided I didn't need chutney for the salad.

Have you all seen the "people who shop at Wal Mart" YouTube video? If you haven't, you should. Then multiply it by 100 and you'll get Wal Mart in Missoula. Goodness, the cultural climate here is very strange. It seems to me to be a mix of Portland, Hinterwalden, San Francisco, and who knows what. I have never seen a more disjointed citizenship. There are some beautiful parts of town, though, and some awesome restaurants. My dad and I ate at an Italian place named "Ciao Mambo". The penne I ordered was exceptional and the Sauvignon Blanc was perfect as a tag-on. Also, we found an ice cream joint named "Big Dipper Ice Cream" and I'm gonna be going there often. Cardamom ice cream is my new favorite flavor.

But as I write this my head is starting to fall onto the screen of my iPad. I look forward to where I am and exploring it in the weeks to come!

Once More Unto The Breach

"Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,

Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit

To his full height. On, on, you noblest English." 

                      - Henry V, Act III, Scene 1 - William Shakespeare

As I look upon the coming year I am filled both with resolve and hesitance. I hear the voice in the back of my mind cheering me on, telling me that I am ready for this adventure and have been given the tools needed to begin this journey. At the same time, I hear the little devil on my shoulder snickering and clapping his hands in glee over the things I have yet to understand about my new responsibilities.

I am off for the beginning of two years at the University of Montana. There I will be fulfilling my goal of achieving my masters degree in classical voice. I had my reservations going into this whole ordeal as I was ready to move to Seattle and begin my teaching and performing career right after my undergrad, but God had larger plans for me. I didn't believe Him at first, but He blessed me with rushing my paperwork for grad school through extremely quickly - just a few days - and finding me a place to live on the cheap right next to campus. 

But still, I was unsure as to whether or not I really had the chops and the guts to pursue my career. Four years into my singing education and career and I still was unsure. What was I thinking? But then tonight my parents took me out for a farewell dinner at a Thai restaurant near my home in the Seattle area. A jazz pianist was performing and we were seated right next to him, much to my delight. He began playing many Tin Pan Alley standards and songs I have grown to love through the years and I, naturally, began to hum along and then sing quietly (honestly, I thought I was being quiet!). 

Three or four songs in, the pianist leaned over the wall and asked, "Who is the singer over here?" I sheepishly raised my hand and claimed responsibility. At this point he grilled me briefly about my education and invited me to sing a song with him if I so desired. Feeling self-conscious I turned him down, but as the meal wore on I wanted to sing "They Can't Take That Away from Me" by George and Ira Gershwin. This is one of my favorite songs and it seemed appropriate to sing at this juncture so I leaned back and asked if he knew it. After fumbling for the right key we settled on F, he pulled me onto the stage, and I performed it in front of the whole restaurant. 

I must admit, it was quite fun, and I kept receiving compliments from our waitress and other patrons of the restaurant. It was just the kick in the pants I needed as I leave for this next huge step in my life.

Pray for me as I leave and go to a city I barely know, where I have very few friends, but where I know I need to be. Pray for patience, peace, and a daily reminder of His grace and wonder. Now, just as King Henry and his men noted, I aim to show the mettle of my pasture and that I am worth my breeding. Here I go, off to follow my Spirit!